


Man or Monster? The Truth About Newt Scamander

by ContainThisOrItWillGetGay, pelele



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Characters get sassed and judged, Cheating mention, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Drama, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Gender Fluid Newt, Illegal Activities, Loss of Virginity Mention, M/M, Mentions of Death, Mentions of Violence, Rita Skeeter’s Grade A+ Journalism, Sexual mentions censored, Trashy Journalism, Underage Mention (nothing explicit but heads up), War Mention, outsider pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-27 14:13:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15687036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ContainThisOrItWillGetGay/pseuds/ContainThisOrItWillGetGay, https://archiveofourown.org/users/pelele/pseuds/pelele
Summary: In this eye-opening biography,MAN OR MONSTER, Rita Skeeter— acclaimed authoress of best sellers The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore and Spews About S.P.E.W.— explores the dark, hidden truths belonging not only of the magizoologist, but of his closets companions too. Secrets which have been hidden from the public eye for years. What is the true relationship between disgraced Auror Porpentina Goldstein and the Obscurial boy? Was Muggle baker Jacob Kowalski the true mastermind behind the events in New York? Why did Scamander feel the necessity to have a French alias? And what was then President Seraphina Picquery desperate to hide about her and Scamander? All this and more is answered in:MAN OR MONSTER? THE TRUTH ABOUT NEWT SCAMANDER





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Everyone! Now it should be noted that this work is a **Crack Fic** this means that whilst it was a serious chunk of our time, the work itself is written in a comical manner and is not meant to insult or anger anyone. 
> 
> As we all know, the title of this, and the idea of Rita Skeeter writing a trashy biography of Newt Scamander is something that is now actually HP Universe canon. With mentions of it from the Audio book both Authors decided, for the sake of laughter, that we would see if we could write it. If we could pretend to be Rita and see what happened, and we loved it.
> 
> Now, this Fic will update fast, we have a huge chunk done already, but any love you can throw our way will help! All Relationships in the tag will be mentioned, touched upon or discussed at some point, form the view of Rita and an outsider! We're hoping it'll be a great enjoyment for us all. 
> 
> Thank you to anyone bothering to give this a go, and let us know anything about Newt's life you want us to dramatise in this!
> 
> Have a good one.

In this eye-opening biography, **MAN OR MONSTER** , Rita Skeeter— acclaimed authoress of best sellers _The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore_ and _Spews About S.P.E.W._ — explores the dark, hidden truths belonging not only of the magizoologist himself, but of his closets companions too. Secrets which have been hidden from the public eye for years, until this day.

What is the true relationship between disgraced Auror Porpentina Goldstein and the Obscurial boy? Was Muggle baker Jacob Kowalski the true mastermind behind the events in New York? Why did Scamander feel the necessity to have a French alias? And what was then President Seraphina Picquery desperate to hide about her and Scamander?

From his youth as a playful child in Hogwarts, to his time as a mischievous soldier and all through his career, Rita Skeeter lays down the facts about the world renown magizoologist and his mysteries.

All this and more is answered in—

_**MAN OR MONSTER? THE TRUTH ABOUT NEWT SCAMANDER.** _

* * *

My darling readers, if it so happens that you’re reading this somewhere public, should your curtains or legs happen to be open, I implore you, from the bottom of my heart, take cover, and shut them all now! Lock your doors, draw the drapes, protect the innocent, because this book may be my juiciest, truest, wildest book to date.

Newton Scamander is a name we all know. A _legendary_ beast tamer, a heart breaker, a saviour, a brother. No matter how you know him, you _know_ him. Or so you _think_ , but did you know that Newt Scamander once had a sordid affair with the very President of America— and in fact still is? That his best friend was no more than a Muggle, one desperate to come along with him on his gallivanting journeys? Desperate indeed, enough to open Scamander’s famous beast-holding case. Enough, in fact, to begin a whirlwind of events that would go down on history! That Scamander’s very wife held an obsession for a known killer?

Oh you may know Newton Artemis Fido Scamander, Rescuer of New York, Lover of Beasts, Writer, Friend, Freckled. But do you know _Newt_?

You're going to. As I did.

You will travel with me, unravelling the mysteries we’ve all been begging to uncover. And through real sources, reliable anonymous mentions, and careful, clever narration you will come to know him better than we ever dreamed of doing.

Our story begins as it always does. With rules being broken, hearts tested, and a boy becoming a man…


	2. The Origins

**EARLY LIFE:**

I’ll spare you the often told love story of a man and a woman, coming together in unity. And we will begin at the heart of how Newt Scamander came to be the man he was. The man some fear, some respect, and some— in a very high position— cater a burning lust for.

It began with a Niffler. Picture, if you will, a young, gangly, freckled Scamander rifling through his modest family home— a charming little thing in Muggle-populated Dorset. Clutching the wily beast to his chest in attempt to protect it from his family. 

Our little Magizoologist was up to  _ naughty _ things from a young age! Squirrelling family jewels to thriving creatures, sneaking into woodland for berries and oats. Oh, he was terribly sneaky, but not enough. Caught by his father, the Nifflers were to be exterminated as per the barbaric laws dictated, until desperate tears and a heart wrecking plea for life and a chance was given.

Newt needed to be able to remove a family of critters known for burrowing deep and stealing all from his family's estate, lest they be  _ murdered _ in cold blood.

This. Was the humble beginning of our story’s apparent hero, an innocent child merely trying to save his friend. A friend, that would go on later in life to be quite the source of stress, of trouble and finally… the cause of found love.

You may be worrying for our little budding expert, but do not fear. He finds the courage to save a small critter with a brilliant solution of having his father help him build him his new home. Inside a leather case. And in that moment, looking into the beady eyes— seeing the ghost of so many lost before it, lost to the blood soaked hands of his very species, of humanity! Newt saw in that beast something worth saving.

And his lifelong venture to the impossible truly began. 

Growing youngest in line is not an easy feat. I myself would know, as many of you may do as well. But you’ll be relieved to know that Newt’s childhood was a fair one, at least, for beginning years. He was close to his brother, a dashing Auror you all may know well. And Theseus never failed to give him the attention he seeked.

His mother is spoken to be kind and ingenious, his father strong and caring, and together they raised their boys despite all of social demands, a surprisingly non-orthodox family for the time. So against everything we as a people believed for decades. They raised outcasts, warriors, they raised  _ dangers _ . Lawbreakers of the best kind, lawbreakers for change.

Few stories remain of our young speckled boy. Theseus is reluctant to share, selfish in hoarding the adorable images of past youth, but can you blame him? For the picture is one of great sweetness. And underneath, lies dark insecurities, and a festering separation that would haunt the War Hero for years to come.

Hearts cannot be held in the safety of a young mind forever, and soon Newt would begin something all children fear. The journey of life, of adulthood.

But for now, we follow a springing step to the  _ magical _ grounds of Hogwarts. To intrigue, to forbidden affections, to dark magic, hidden manipulations and… to stereotypes needing broken!

**HOGWARTS:**

Our young venturer didn’t get much what he expected in life. His brother a bold, proud, cunning Slytherin with the ambition that would later take him far in the game of politics, that would begin to undo slowly the net of oppression around a dark house, our Newt remained unsure on his wants.

An anonymous source, who worked in the school at the time had this to say:

_ “Oh yes, Newton. A lovely thing, ever so meek. I fretted if he’d make it through the first week really, looking half awed, half ready to keel over. Thought for sure he’d be a ‘claw myself, sure he’s a skittish kid, but he always ‘ad about ten books on him at one time you know? Came into the school chatterin’ away about the history of the merfolk in tha lake. Figured he was a brainy one. Usually they get the bird, or the snake. So him being a ‘puff? I was surprised, gotta admit.” _

Surprised they would be. For those readers of mine unfamiliar with our proud, shrouded British school, Hufflepuff is a house long forgotten. Not a bad one, mind you, but nothing notable. Whilst Gryffindor drew pride and strength to its name, and Slytherin drew those of us cunning, and who yearned of ambition and glory, and Ravenclaw drew the minds, inventors and brilliance— Hufflepuff was, and still tragically is, known only for it’s love of the kitchen. And gentle souls who, whilst not bad, were nothing special.

Now before any outrage my dears, let it be said! The moral of this segment is to unwind the scarred years of our youth! To unwind forced images upon us of who we must be by the colours we bore. And Newt, along with others, began that battle that today we see breaking. That I aim to break with this very story. For I myself wore colours unjustly, and it is time we break free of our Societal bonds. 

Our Newt was going to change the world, and he would do it with the rabid cry of a badger.

That's right. The Savior of our humble Wizarding world, the man to fund the beast rights programs, the man we all know and love— is a  _ Hufflepuff _ ! 

And a proud one at that. It is said that Newt blossomed slowly in his house. Though he had few friends, he was not unwanted in the common room and often he hid away there with the girl who would later, unjustly be called his heart breaker.

Leta Lestrange, of the proud Lestrange family, a Slytherin, a girl facing prejudices of her own. And it’s the beginning of the sweetest love story isn’t it? A girl of dark magic, wrought with anger, learning to love by someone soft and golden and kind. It’s the kind of novels we all read tucked away under the covers during times we’d rather not mention. Comfort, care. Familiarity. Happy endings and prince charmings and stolen kisses. And even stolen moments in the more secret corridors of Hogwarts, urgent things that never amounted to much but still fueled the fires of young love.

But not this time, I’m afraid. This time, our tale of love ends in woe, in separation and pain. But that pain would later, be something incredible. For not only love binds us, but friendship as well. 

Contemporaries claimed it was Leta who influenced Newt during his tenure at Hogwarts. But what these contemporaries fail to realize or admit, is that Newt Scamander was not exempt to the unsavoury and, yes dear readers, illegal endeavors that Hufflepuffs participate on in secret. In fact, participating is not strong enough a word. Hang onto your Demiguise fur and Antipodean Opaleye scale capes, ready your Quick Notes Quills, and throw away your revised edition of Hogwarts: A History, for I will impart to you my knowledge, the  _ true  _ knowledge, of the fair House of Hufflepuff.

Newt Scamander, nay, Hufflepuff in its entirety, may bare the face of angels, but like the animal that represents them, not only do they dig deep, but they have sharp claws and fear not in using them.

Yes my dear readers, despite the reputation being wrongfully handed over to us Slytherins— purely due to our kindness in offering our protective services to them— it is the little yellow cake lovers who are the sellers, traders and collectors of all the dire things a student may need in school, that simply cannot be handled by teachers or any sort of vendor in Diagon Alley. The strange explosions during Guy Fawkes’ Day, the contraband technology inside the hallowed halls of learning, and yes, even the giant squid who for so long has resided in the lake. All of these are a product of those friendly and fair badgers.

I cannot divulge all of what goes on over cauldrons of experimental potions, bubbling in the depths of that gently lit kitchen all Hufflepuffs have scoured access to, for fear of repercussions, but I can tell you this. The corrupting influence came not from Leta, but from his very house! And as Newt grew into his love of beasts, equally grew his thirst for grey morality, for questionable deeds. Enough that it was he who leveled unspeakable hexes to his brother’s would-be-tormentors, he who was often center in many of the bestial and shocking festivities Hufflepuffs would have. Enough, in fact, that he and Leta would purchase a Jarvey from an unnamable older student, and began to partake in secret experiments with it.

Do I jest? Never! I am a woman of my word, and take it you may. Hufflepuff is the house of the hard working and loyal, but loyal only to their own. In any way they need be. And if you earn their loyalty you will find that anything you desire is able to be slipped past Hogwarts gates, for after all, who may suspect the forgotten?

But could all the blame be placed on simple students? Is it possible that perhaps an external, powerful force also paved the way for Newt’s corruption? One who came in the form of an authority figure, who gained the trust of a poor young student, whose only desire was to please his superior?

To this day, we may never know what it was that late headmaster, then dashing young professor, Albus Dumbledore meant to Newt, but as he openly claimed himself— the man was certainly more than just a schoolteacher. We can only imagine what things went down during late night tutorings for transfiguration. Inventive ways to be rid of boggarts, perhaps? One may say they were making their own  _ happy memories. _

All I know, and have stated clearly in my earlier novel on the now departed man ( _The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore_ , always available in a Borkins and Burges near you) is that his taste in immortality and youth surpassed his old, treacherous love of the hallows. If you are reading this Harry, fear not, you are not the only one to put your faith in a man using you for his own gain. For war.

With that in mind, my avid listener, let me tell you what else the Ministry so closely guards in its files to this day.

Two children, playing so happily with their new found friend. Lost in the prime of their youth, approached by a spiteful boy— angry at not being included. Now we all know boys can be! But that excuse does not fly here, no, he was cruel, and he was mean. And the Jarvey, now bonded with its new pack, did not hesitate in sinking its teeth into him when the command was issued.

Before I hear you cry that beasts are a danger, stop! Calm yourself, let yourself feel the fury that small being felt. Your friends go from laughing, hugging you, whispering sweet delights to fearful, upset— would you let that go?

This book is not an anti-beast propaganda, Merlin knows, but a volume of fact! You must expect dangers, expect horrors! And above all, expect to empathise where you never knew empathy could rise. That is how my books are meant to be read.

And so our little bully lay bloodsoaked on the floor as our heroes stood above him. Their fight was just, but unfair. And one must be punished, befitting the crime. Loyalty, do you recall my saying? A strength indeed, and a fault. Our little loyal, daring Hufflepuff stepped forward, shoulders back and he told the truth. He told them the beast was his. 

And he was cast out.

A tragic hero indeed, taking all of the fallout for his friend, whose reputation as the daughter of a wealthy and influential but dark family, would have made her an outcast! And yet I hear you ask, dear readers, why was his heart broken? Was it, perhaps, out of the pain of being separated from a budding love? But did she not contact him after? When he so selflessly gave his wand and word for her? 

No. My friends, no she did not.

But do not throw her into your wizard-hit lists yet! For it was not out of her own volition that she did not seek the boy who she once called a friend out. There is more to this tale, more to come, as always. More than we ever could try and make up.

**OUTCAST:**

You rejoin me here, at the loss of our adventurer’s heart. Seemingly betrayed by his only friend, without house, colour, wand or pride to hold him up. He is broken, he is a husk of that bright, shy boy we met not so long ago.

By now I know you think to yourselves “this will get better!”, but stop there. Stop. I implore you, gather tissues, gather tea, gather your loved ones around you and make sure to have some sweets from Honeydukes, for we must become serious for a moment.

At the tender age of sixteen, just months after his unjust and cruel expulsion, tragedy struck, and Newt Scamander lost his mother. A terrible disease, that would have cost him his father not long after had the man not died of a broken heart before he could truly succumb to illness.

Now in our time apart, it must be said that he had not gone untrained. Someone, one can only assume his father, had gotten our Newt a wand to practice with— procured from a distant French wandmaker relative. Illegality runs in the family, does it not?— to train with. And whilst he had nothing now, what he did have was the bulk of two Aurors behind him, and a battered old case at his side.

Ah yes, you remember that case I mentioned earlier? Home to a curious little Niffler? Brown, weathered, comfortable. Familiar isn’t it? And you would be right. In his year out of school, our little Scamander had practiced spells far past his time, and with his family’s encouragement, begun to build the world that would later let him slip magical creatures across continents and years, and the very seas themselves!

And yet, it does not hold up to loss. Does it? And more was to come. His brother drafted to war, left alone in his family estate, desperate, clinging to nothing— our young hero had nothing left. And in a bid for contact he followed Theseus to the battlefield. Bold? Stupid? That is for you to decide. I myself find it… wild.

War would be something unknown for Newt, something that would shape him, mould him and shake him to his very core.

It is unknown, exactly how Newt came to handle dragons in the Eastern Front.

Oh yes, that is true! Our daring, roguish magizoologist was indeed the personal handler of the front line magical defence and Dragon Corps. I could not squirm the story of his joining to be confirmed. Rumors say that he was able to calm a raging enemy Ironbelly before it killed their men— but what I can tell you is this. Our little tamer is also stated to, from multiple sources, multiple army reared men, to be the only one those dragons would calm for. The only one they would obey.

Some say they saw him as a friend, a protect, a mother. Some darker, dubious, ambiguous, filthy lips utter the word lover. I can’t say for sure, I’ll leave that to your imagination. But those Dragons adored him, and it would come, in time to be the reason he was able to work at the Ministry, despite his expulsion. Despite his history, despite his passions and loyalties.

Were they keeping a close eye upon their potential enemy? A potential threat? Or is the rumour of Newt’s lavish introduction to lust from war now extending to anyone with power?

All I can say is, from my travels. This writer would put their ink spot in the latter option.

It was not just the dragons who fell victim to Newt’s charms. Avert thy innocent eyes, those of you readers who are more easily scandalized, for here we learn more our hero’s more sordid actions. Newt Scamander was quite the handsome man in his prime, and more so in his youth. The same windswept rust-colored curls from his mother’s line, eyes as green as the ocean and speckled with blue, full lips and a charming face, spattered with freckles. A fit, young soldier. Have you yet to be gifted by this image, I implore you to seek the Scamander archives and enjoy. It was only a matter of time before soldiers and civilians alike fell on their knees for the dragon tamer.

And he unto his own.

His longest and most tumultuous affair wishes to remain unnamed, so for now we shall call him Jared. What you are allowed to know about Jared, is that he is a vampire, one of the many who joined other magical beings in fighting the war. I will leave out most of what was said (if you wish to read the uncut transcribed, explicit, sordid, adult only details, you may find a copy for my paying subscribers in this months Gold card edition.) in my interview with him, early in the creation of this book. 

For this edition, I have censored most of what was said and made it proper for the public consumption. You will understand.

"So, you… intimately new Newt Scamander"  
  
JARED: Who- oh, [1] **fluff** do I! How is that sweet thing _doin_ ’?"  
  
"… Mister Scamander is doing good. Now I know you’re pressed for time. Why don't you elaborate on your relationship during the war, if comfortable?"  
  
JARED: **Fluff** will I. One of the best **bottle poppers** of my life from that guy. I so I've never seen a **valid innocent** take it all in their throat first time right? But in comes this little sassy creature, and we had a bit of fun. Wasn’t sure it would go anywhere at first, with the atmosphere. But a lot of people use **pleasure** to cope. It’s a fact of life. Anyway, this cute thing was all flushed, stammering away like he hadn’t come into the bar lookin’ for someone to _ruin_ him. But it was pretty hard to ignore the way his **cookie** **crumbled** , I mean I could scent the desperation on him from a mile away. It was divine."

“I um, goodness, I see. And did you… engage?”

JARED: “Did we enga- who do you think I am, doll? Yeah we engaged alright. The next seven months were a lot more interesting after that. He took my  **cadillac** like a pro. Made the sweetest sounds, screaming my name, begging to be  **fluffed** , begging to be  **bottled** . I think I must have  **fracked** him a good six times on night after a hard fight. I still remember that time in the dragon stables—” 

“And his… tastes?”

JARED: “You can say  **krampus** you know, we’re both adults. But I gotta say, he gave me a run for immortality. Never seen anyone take a  **caterpillar** that deep into his  **assimilation.** Sure as hell not the type he did.”

“Type?”

Jared would only grin from there on, and comment on Newt’s devotion to the dragons that were under his care and training. I’m not one to make such a bold claim but… even as a woman such as myself, one does think on it. I can tell you, dear readers, that I would have gladly accepted to be hit with a dressing  _ Aguamenti _ spell after this interview.

If you are reading this and would like to comment, Mr. Scamander, you know where to owl me. Atop that, I am under contractual obligation to offer his contact details upon your request.

Still, we soldier on. Forgive the turn of phrase.

As the war came to an end, one would think his dramatic life choices would as well. Perhaps maturity would settle in. But for all his… types and tricks, our young hero was not done yet. With the war ended and his work with dragons seemingly over by the shutdown of the defence program, Newt was in need of more work.

His reward, for all of his… hard training, was the grades he missed from his earlier escapades. Allowing him a small place as a lowly worker in the beast department. Nothing quite as glamorous as— well, riding Dragons.

In all senses of the word.

His short time in House Elf Relocation proved tedious. Filing forms day in and day out, especially for Newt, who is a firm believer in House Elf rights himself. Still, it wasn’t to say that he did not have his good moments in the Ministry. Indeed, close coworkers of Newt recall that during his time, the menagerie in his case grew. A swarm of Grindylows joined the Nifflers, then some Crups, even a Schaerbeekhond, that strange Muggle-magic mix. A flock of Fwooperd, magical snakes of all kinds. Soon it was clear of what he was doing, and Newt has to come up with new, and  _ enjoyable _ , ways to keep his case from being impounded by Ministry officials. With Theseus now a successful junior Auror and unable to spend as much time with his younger brother, he was absent as Newt’s shamelessness grew, as did his unquenchable thirst for more.

Still, Newt Scamander had someone watching over him through these moments. An old friend, wracked with guilt and possessing the money to fund a book. A book, with which to study and understand beasts from every known country, not just the United Kingdom. A book that would later become his sensation, and bring the name you all know into your homes.

_ Obscurus Books _ approached Newt Scamander with a deal. Bright eyed, craving adventure and a life outside of work, he took it. And as his time in House Elf Relocation ended, his job as a Magizoologist, and his misadventures, finally began.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **[1]** Dear adult readers, as you’re aware, this was not the dialogue used by Mr. Jared in reality. But for the sake of the curious kiddies who might no doubt want to see the literally prowess they hear about so often, I’ve edited to concept that sounds similar. As you can see, he’s quite a crude man, and he and Newt had a penchant for wildness.


	3. The Journey

**THE JOURNEY:**

Windswept, bold, daring. Words that come to mind when you think of a young man bounding to action. Sailing seas, meeting wild new people, escaping dangerous traffickers and rescuing beasts, the stuff of stories— and they would be the right words to use.

For my information on these tales, I had to travel far and wide, retrace Mr. Scamander's own exact steps, hope, pray, cast a few dubious spells on my luggage. And gifted Merlin, I found what I was looking for. I left nothing unturned, I pulled Excalibur itself from the stone, to bring you the meaty tidbits now filling these pages.

Let it not be said that Newt is the _only_ writer who works for his stories.

Our young Newt Scamander had a world at his heels, and his first journey was Scotland. Knowing he could not leap wildly to the deep, our smart boy began mildly closer to home. In the moors he unveiled kelpies, fae folk who were convinced he was one of their wild own. His movement through Wales and England was a blur of laughter, magic, hill climbing, unicorns, leprechauns, pixies and more!

Yes, there were many beasts to track, study and explore, and he did it all in arduous fascination. With a glow of promise in his eyes for our better tomorrow. But all is not as wholesome, nor as healing, nurturing. No.

The reality of the world, readers, is cold and cruel. And our adventurer learnt fast that to change the laws around him, he must first break them.

In Germany, Newt would find his first key to an easier life. In the ashen remains of a forest fire sprouted green, and digging free the Magizoologist found friends. A family of bowtruckles, charred, choking on fumes reached to him for aid and oh, did he aid them.

It is known now, that to this day at least one of this family remains with him. Look closely to the man as he passes and you will see a sprig of green in his pocket! Pickett, a companion, a child, a friend.

But these creatures are not only painfully cute and adept at survival. They are also incredibly adept at lock picking. Able to pick even magical locks, these small green critters are a fail proof aid for anyone needing to be somewhere they shouldn’t be. And Newt Scamander was in a world that locked him out.

You may turn to his book for a comprehensive guide of the creatures he claims to know, own and study, that is not the aim of this story. This book is for the man and monster behind the case, not within it.

Pickett was not the only one of the creatures whose uses were less than noble. The beloved Niffler himself was one of those, but that, dear reader, is for later.

Let it be known, before I continue, that the dallyings and relationships mentioned are not the only ones known or encountered. But for the sake of all of us, and Mr Scamander’s reputation I’ve only included those of importance. Or those that are confirmed by a reputable source.

In the tender days of his budding international career, Newt took one of his first travels into the cold and arid Siberia. But fear not, for our traveler had ways to keep himself plenty warm in those day. In the post-revolution land, wizards hadn’t been spared of it either, Newt found an ally and companion in the professor of Care of Magical Creatures of a Russian wizarding school, an Andrey Golovachov. It seems Newt had a preference for authority even in his early years. Prof. Golovachov was an expert in matters of Indrik, a sort of Russian unicorn, habits expert. And he was infallible and irreplaceable to Newt’s work.

Or indeed, his warmth.

The man himself confirmed our little Magizoologist enjoyments, dear readers. Scandalous!

The two admitted to breaking into experimental areas into freeing beasts who remain locked behind cages. Yes, dear readers, the flurry of an affair was a wild one. Though the man states it was not a romantic sort, more a friendship with added benefits, but still it left me thrilled. Excited, warmed through to my bones.

Here, I provide you with the words of the man himself:

_“Newt came to the school, paid by the headmaster to help in removing a nesting of dragons from behind the castle. We would do it ourselves, but they were so feral that even we could not risk it, it is a big danger, and unlike _certain_ schools we do not risk lives so easy here. We paid to have them removed by any means, and I was to watch him._

_The boy was daring, possibly stupid. But he got the job done. And for the first time in many years, I was impressed. Invited for a hot drink he was, and we enjoyed our time together. He asked about for other creatures known to be kept or in danger, and I reached to the community for him. Together, we freed dragons! Firebirds, beasts your tongue could not hope to know of. It was a time of my youth, good years, strong years._

_He will always be welcome again, he is a good man. I do not approve of your book title.”_

Mr. Golovachov refused to comment on whether or not he was closely intimate with Mr. Scamander as our dear, previous friend Jared had been, but let it be known dears that the look on the teacher’s face said plenty.

Recalling older words I can only dare to imagine. Were fires born in the deep snows of Russia? Were hearts captured in the beauty of Moscow? What other beasts were wrangled in their travels? Our hearts beat thinking about it.

* * *

As I traced Newt’s quick hops across continents there were places I could not go, they were banned, dangerous. Some that scorned me, that sneered at me when I asked. I was held at knife point and threatened in the name of keeping Newt safe! I must ask myself just how many friends he has out there, how many allies. It is no wonder he was able to bring the fearsome Gellert Grindelwald to his knees.

In the Japanese wizarding school of Mahoutokoro I was greeted by other friends of his, and the story only got better.

It seems our boy charmed many hearts through the years, perhaps not intentionally, but still! A ladies’ man, a man’s man, a beast in all areas it seems. _Naughty_ thing you are Mr. Scamander, breaking hearts like this!

Our girls have asked to remain unnamed, but they did give a few sordid details. Talks of, among the things he would say to charm them, how our sweet little Newt was coaxed into soft dressed, painted lips. Curiosity, they say! Informing me that he was just so pretty, they thought surely he’d be fun to trick the boys with.

I would have love to seen it myself, if Mr. Scamander ever wishes to give a show. But it was this information, in fact, that led me to new secrets.

Travelling illegally, as our hero had to to complete his quest, he could not always use a known name, a known identity. Illegal means must be covered and— hold your pearls purebloods— I can tell you now that I have found two known ones of our own Magizoologist.

It seems those girls taught him well, for there are mentions of no Newt Scamander throughout Africa, some European cities or the rest of Asia, but there is talk and evidence of one Artemis Dragonneau. A pretty young British girl, travelling with a case, studying beasts.

At first my suspicions led me to believe Artemis was simply another relative of Newt. The similar descriptions, their work, at one point I was even inclined to believe there was more to them than I thought. But as I scoured for more proof, I found that I was terribly mistaken in the identity of sweet Artemis.

I know! Dastardly isn’t it, wild to think, our rogue in the softest silk, smiling demurely, perhaps tempting men for information and from what I can tell you, from how his book sells - it works.

Artemis travelled for a good year or two, and I hear exciting things from that time. Mentions of steamy affairs in bar darkness and alley backways. And what is more? A familiar face does pop up.

A delighted past American Director of Magical Security, now retired after an impressive feat of magic against Gellert Grindelwald. It seems that our Director spent a year or so in Ireland, a break with Family during his work, and there it was known— as Newt returned to finish study on Fae laws, and possibly check in with his brother, Albus, or others— that the two engaged in some pleasurable time together.

Oh yes! Multiple sources confirm that Percival Graves was rather taken with the mysterious girl, whether she knew who she was seducing or not, he was enchanted. A close friend of the family talks of the sulking the Director did when she finally left to continue her work. It’s sweet, it’s a little saddening, it’s thrilling!

Here it is (paraphrased for reader capability):

_“Ya Pea was pretty into the little lassy. All up over ‘er, though’ he’d ask for her hand before she ran off on her travels. Kept tellin’ him it didn’ matter how good she was with her mouth on his **cockapoodle** ya can’t go marryin’ a lass jus’ because she’s swayin ya **ironrod.** She done told ‘im they both had duties anyway. Tha’ he couldn’ be waiting around for her forever. Think he knew deep down it weren’t gonna work tha way he wanted in the end tho. He were alright, got on wiv it, now he runs MACUSA. Not a bad trade I’d say. Think they still sent a few letters in tha end, but they were just friends by then, from wha’ I know.”_

Not a bad trade perhaps in their eyes. In ours? Well I don’t know about you all, but I’m half swayed over our dear Hero! A roguish shifter, comfortable in any way, seducing all for the sake of his helpless beasts? Yes please!

Still, this part is important readers. Not only because it adds to the shyness of our little rogue, to his hidden heart beneath his freckles - but because later, this very scandalous relationship would allow him to identify a traitor in the midst of the people!

(For more explicit content information on the life of Newt Scamander, as detailed by the people who have engaged, as told by others— you may once again refer to the gold card edition of the Skeeter Subscription! This edition includes the small photos I could find of our darling Artemis, and oh it is a sight! Don’t miss out. Contact your local Skeeter approved suppliers now, details in the back of this book.)

We must ask ourselves, _I_ must ask, with all these tales of woe if Newt is truly bad with people— or if he is simply closed from the world for fear of misunderstanding. People are cruel when you are different readers, I myself know that. Many of you will. Do we blame him for being wary with his world? He may be awkward, he may not grasp talk, but our Newt has a charm about him. Something rustic and honest, and later, even the most powerful of women could not resist a bambi-eyed smile!

Now I believe I mentioned a second, alternate identity? I did! Norbert Dragonneau is a name you French readers will know well. Mentioned as his pen name in france I asked myself, why the need for change? And the answer is a curious one!

It seems, the Dragonneaus are a well known wizarding family across the waters. A family of crime, a family of power. Once a family of traffickers they are now the biggest advocate for creature breeding laws— and it seems, a relative of the Scamanders. Yes, Newt’s law breaking habits now make sense to us all, it runs in the blood! In the soul! In the name and motive!

The Dragonneau helped our young Scamander in his travels. The last memory of his mother they ensured he had safety, got him the documents he needed to board, came to his aid if ever arrested! And all from the darkness of the shadows, all from the smile of pride in their own!

It’s sweet, almost, that this little star scattered believer could change a dark wizarding family to something almost nobel. But such is the way of Newt Scamander with beasts.

I followed Mr Scamander as best I could, to Egypt, Greece, all across his Mediterranean roots— the Scamander family is partly Greek for those of you not in the know— and I continued to find wild, exciting things! Stories of him fighting tomb raiders to save a Sphynx, stories of elected royalty in tribes inviting him to meals! A fight in which he took down poachers with his bare hands and freed a Thunderbird.

Yes, our little Scamander was going far in life and still something haunted him. For he was soon to return home, no longer able to hide under the façade of the beautiful Artemis or the devilish neerdowell Norbert our hero must return to his roots. To civilization, to being Newt Scamander.

But before he could return to England, seasoned, prepared, a world in his case that would enchant all around him and terrify many— he would have to make a stop first.

To free the trafficked Thunderbird. To war, to love, to old friends and new, and to fame. To the glory of broken laws, to breaking them further. To witches and muggles alike. To overused flag signs and morals!

Newt Scamander made his way… to The United States of America!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> < Join us next chapter dear readers, for the tales you're all waiting for! The daring battle of New York, the baker, the beggar and the wilds of the American Ministry!


	4. New York: The Players

**NEW YORK AND BEYOND:**

And here dear readers we finally get to the part I know you’re thirsting for and desperate to here! So wipe your drool and your thighs for here comes the main course, the meaty feast! That’s right, where we divulge the hidden truths, the secret lusts, the forbidden knowledge and closed files. The moment of truth— I, Rita Skeeter, will relate you what  _ really _ happened in the 7th of December 1926, when Newt Scamander made his voyage to America and became the first man in wizarding history to successfully capture Dark Wizard Gellert Grindelwald.

The first question we must ask ourselves, dear readers, is this: how would a British magizoologist, even one as capable as Scamander has shown to be, be able to capture one of the darkest wizards known to Wizengamot? And the answer is a very simple one, Newt is more than a magizoologist. 

He was a man on a mission, yes, but one set on him by none other than Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore himself. For Newt Scamander was in fact Dumbledore’s very own personal spy, groomed by him to be such since his time in Hogwarts, who used the release Thunderbird as a cover for his real mission. To capture Gellert Grindelwald and relay any information he could of the American wizarding government, whatever the cost may be. And, my dears, what a cost it was.

But our Newt was not alone on this. No, there were others who joined him, poor, misguided souls who sided with the man in his quest, whether willingly or not. To list them all would take years, and as such I’ve taken the liberty of compiling all my resources and presenting the key actors in Scamander’s little play.

Without Further abdue, let me introduce to you: Team Scamander.

**Editors note:** Let it be clear, readers that due to Ministry lock down some of this story remains untold. As files become unclassified and more is allowed to light I— first in line for all of it as usual— will make it my sole duty to bring you an updated, regulated and yet more truthful vision of our hero’s journey! That, is a promise.

Until then, I give all I have! All I fought for! All we deserve to know.  
  


**JACOB KOWALSKI:**

A Muggle (or, in the event of American terms— no-maj) is the very last you’d even expect to join the fight against an international Dark Wizarding threat to our known world. But make no mistakes, what he lacked in magic and talent, he made up in wits and an ambition as hungry and powerful as that of any Slytherins! And Jacob Kowalski not only joined. No, he was vital to Newt’s inevitable escape from kidnapping, arrest and indeed, America itself!

He begins in the humble beginnings of a war brinked America. A simple child of Polish-Jewish immigrants, living in a run down apartment and chock full of woe! His life centered about the canning factory on return of the first World War. A veteran himself, he longed for nothing but making his Grandmother proud, and opening the bakery we all know and love today! Yes, you’re thinking of Kowalski Baked Goods LTD, our chain once belonged to none other than the muggle savior of New York and lover of both Newt Scamander and Queenie Goldstein!

It is said that our bumbling Magizoologist met his new— and still known— best friend accidentally. During a bank trip to recapture, yes you guessed it, the fluffy rogue of our hearts— Niffler! 

Niffler broke into a bank, and stole not only hard earned jewels, gold, and several thousands in cash, but a baker's heart. Whisked away on a thrilling adventure, Mr. Kowalski could not resist the seemingly innocent, freckled smile of our own Hufflepuff, seduced to following. Seduced to fighting! 

Now, having been bitten by a beast, Jacob was taken, along with Newt by the woman known to marry our hero later— Tina, who under belief of justice stole our boys away and locked them in her room to find the escaped beasts at a later time. But Newt could not wait, and in his bid to escape offered hand to Jacob, who despite being charmed by Tina’s sister, could not say no. 

They stole away into the night and I can tell you of the time they day. They broke into jewelry stores! Zoos! Freed lions along the way! Yes, to you and I it sounds like something rather crazy, a Wilma and Louise escapade, but I can tell you criminality was not the intent. No, our two budding friends were saving the poor creatures in a foreign land and fearing for their lives! And along the way, passion bloomed. When Tina managed to secure the case and take them with her again, one can only imagine what both men were up to that they didn’t notice such drastic movement.  

It is known that whilst they ran, Jacob charmed not only Newt— known to have come back for the man later— but also a blonde bombshell known as Queenie Goldstein, a Legillimens, a girl trapped in a life she didn’t want, a girl enchanted with thoughts of sugar sweet tarts and loving smiles. 

A muggle he may be, but let it not be said Kowalski is a name of someone incapable. No sir! Not only did he punch a known Goblin mob boss right in his cracker, but our Muggle also tackled a desire-riddled erumpant, battled an occamy and came out of the end of the night with hearts on his arm!

But the tragedy must be told, dear readers, that Jacob gave all to keep us safe. Yes, in 1926 America it was still illegal for Muggles to know of our world, or even marry into it!  _ Barbaric _ . And to keep our bold heroes safe, this baker had to give everything. His magizoologist, his lover, and his memories.

But all was not lost! For things remained. Despite a powerful obliviation potion, Jacob recalled that warm touch of Newt Scamander’s magic, and his pastries to this day take the form of magical beasts and wonderful times. To think they came to be so close that even obliviation could not keep them apart. Is that not truly beautiful? His care for Newt Scamander was rivaled by few! I myself could use friends like this readers, and so could you.

Though this writer must ask, Newt, is friendship was all you stole down in that case? Reports of undone shirts and flustered laugher make me question, still I wish the best to Queenie and Jacob in their lives! And I wonder once more, how many broken hearts you leave behind you as you travel?

**PORPENTINA GOLDSTEIN:**

Porpentina Goldstein, known more fondly to friends and lovers alike as Tina— was a tragic soul in our dear tale of 1926, New York!

One of only two children, the eldest sister to an illegally harboured Legilimens, protector of the last of her family line— she was a woman against the system, against logic and against herself! Losing her parents at a tender, tender age, dear little Tina wanted nothing more then to join the ranks of the brave. The Daring. The powerful, capable and ever corruptible, but likely good, Auror Department!

Tina apparently grew in the ranks, but in the end was forced down her position of Auror due to terrible, terrible dangers— that's right readers, our sweet little future wife of Newt Scamander almost threw our world into WAR. 

Why you ask? Well, why does any good, self-respecting girl start a war for? A boy of course!

A damaged, broken, helpless boy. A Muggle as well! Or so it seemed. 

Tina Goldstein fought Credence Barebone’s adoptive mother in a not-so-epic battle of Wizard vs Muggle, for his safety, and almost endangered us all doing it. 

Ah, it is a beautiful story, and you may think "well if he were worth such a risk, why did she marry Newt?". You can't stop dumb love readers! And you must admit they're cute, if you're into the retiring for life plan of course. Which is to say, they’re not. But buckle your seat belts, because you’ll learn that Credence didn't go quietly, and the tragic circumstances that led to Miss Goldstein becoming Mrs. Scamander! 

Damaged by his tragic story and the loss of his protector and his memories he went on to MURDER innocent Muggles and wizards alike! We don't blame him for some of them but... there's a limit, one must say. Still, our Mrs. Scamander saw something in that poor boy worth saving. Enough to grow mad, enough to grow  **obsessed** , clinging to his memory and following him to Paris. So obsessed, it’s said, that she did nothing to assist the others of the orphanage. Her eyes were locked to the most damaged, the most harmed. She could help only one and her focus was Credence, the elder sibling, the lost boy, _ the obscurus. _

It is said though, in the events of 1926 she not only kept Jacob and Newt in her home but was the one to PERSONALLY hand over his creatures to the alluring President Seraphina Picquery. Quite the way to win a man I say, take what he loves and hold it hostage until he agrees! Alas, she pleaded apology and charmed by her desperation she was forgiven.

It is said they married quickly, dear dear Newt— did your escapades catch up to you? Your son's birth was fast to follow! Far too fast, according to mutual friends.

Or, perhaps, were you heart broken by Jacob’s love for Queenie? Did Seraphina’s dismissal from New York at your hand become too much to bare? I must question how two so opposite came to love each other so well when Tina’s obsession for Credence was so strong and your eyes for Seraphina and Jacob talked about to this day! But that’s the beauty of it, one would say. Opposites attract, the unlikely become the inevitable. Illogical, unreasonable. Unstoppable in the script of life!

That is, if one doesn’t have the full story of it all. When more comes to light we can come to understand Tina’s motives, her hearts desires, her desperation and perhaps indeed the thrilling tale of how she locked down the untamable Newt Scamander!   
**REGINA  GOLDSTEIN:**

At first glance, Queenie Goldstein, as she’s known, is nothing spectacular. The prototype ‘20s blond bombshell, coffee-runner for the workers at her job in MACUSA, the American ministry of magic. Charming and loving, yes, talented with strudels or so says word of mouth, but an ordinary witch at heart. And indeed, Queenie did not have much to show for herself in that time, especially not when she had Auror for an older sister. Nothing, except her secret legilimency! 

And it was this exact secret legilimency, dear readers, that led Queenie to know of the darkest secrets not only inside MACUSA but also within Newt, Jacob, and yes, her own sister Tina, for whom Queenie held a scathing resentment and deep jealousy. A jealousy, one might say, that would drive her to betray the sister who raised her!

For it was Queenie Goldstein who knew of Newt and Jacob’s intentions to escape and go on their escapades shrouded in night, and who kept it all a secret from Tina. It was Queenie with her legilimency that would have read the minds of Aurors and officials alike, known the truth of what went behind the scenes.

What Tina also didn’t know of her sister, is that what she considered to be their unbreakable bond, Queenie considered shackles. It seems Tina’s obsession wasn’t limited only to the Obscurial. An old coworker of both women confessed that the relationship between the sisters was a close one, but also a toxic one, heavily codependent on one another. That Queenie would step down and not reach her full potential in order to keep Tina happy. They spoke of the strange things that happened between them, of the hushed, near suggestive tones they took when they believed to be alone.

A quote, from the one who wishes to only go by Abby, who worked with everyone during the events of 1926.

“ _ I knew Miss Goldstein, both of them actually. They were hard workers, sure. Tina had a tendency to run off though, stalk people she shouldn’t’a been, gave us all a mountain of paperwork. Heart in the right place I guess, but made things a lot more difficult for all of us, ya know?  _

_ Queenie was real sweet, worked lower then she should be so Tina could have a career to be proud of. We didn’t talk much but, when we did she always seemed real sad, I asked once if she wanted a holiday and she just laughed a little, said it would be nice to get away and not come back. Thought it was weird.  _

_ They always seemed real close to us all, not a surprise you know, with their parents gone an’ all. But it was just… kinda off.  _

_ They argued a lot, but not screaming matches. When they weren’t arguin’ they were pressed close and whispering away. Guess now I know it was about what Queenie was hearin’ still at the time, well, you can imagine the gossip.  _

_ It was this really passive-aggressive thing between them. Tina always saying don’t and Queenie dismissin’ by doing it anyway. Tina would hiss at her to stop that and laugh about Queenie guessing thoughts but - well, now we know she was a legillimens o’ course. You’d have to be dumb as a brick not to.  _

_ Doesn’t change that it was weird though. ‘Specially when one of the girls went to their place to take Tina when she got down with something bad and said she found Queenie just standin’ there in her… uh… unmentionables. No sign of a fella, Queenie was just waitin’ for her sister in them. In a dimly lit room. So, yeah, they were weird ones. _

_ Also never understood why Tina didn’t train Queenie up, girl would have made a hell of a spy. She played the office well enough. Even blackmailed this guy Sam once or twice! Damn, imagine her with her looks and brain out in the field? Not to be though, ‘specially not now we know she lied about her magic for years. No one would trust her. _

_ When I heard Queenie was gonna run off with a No-Maj, I didn’t even blink. She’d been coaxing a few o’ the Aurors into taking her away for months not. Of course, none of the guys were willing to pop the question without a real relationship first, but she’d freak at that. It’s sad. I hear they sorted it out though, good, we all need our family. Even the weird ones _ .”

As Abby later on told me, Tina held a possessive hold over her younger sister, one that would push Queenie to match her with Newt, and try herself to and run away with Jacob after having known him only one day!

I ask for all my readers here, Queenie, what things did you see in Newt’s head? It’s true that despite your rocky start— bringing up past loves, touchy touchy— you grew to be Scamander’s confident. What other mysteries did you see? What other secrets did you keep for him? His spy work, perhaps? Or… his many affairs? Did you place him with your sister knowing that his urges would take him elsewhere should she look away? Knowing your sister would not look away? 

Still, I commend you for taking your stand! A woman should be free, all of us.

**SERAPHINA PICQUERY:**

Imagine if you will, 1926. The muggle era of short skirts and even shorter hairstyle, prohibition time. With its dazzling movies and new dances and for us wizards it was a time of brewing war. And yet, of all the places it was America to see little of the internations pandemic. Yes, until 1926, America has seen it’s most peaceful time in eons. The wizarding community was at its peak! And the word of on the street, the name on lips, the whispers of lust were for the one and only Seraphina Picquery.

A dashing witch from Savannah who rose fast in her youth to become the President of America’s Magical Congress. Sharp dressed, sharp minded, sharp tongued.

Many know, or perhaps they don’t that in her young days Seraphina’s dive at Ilvermorny saw her one of the few students to ever be gifted the choice of not one, not two - but all four Ilvermorny houses, what we call a stall. A gifted Horned Serpent— a Ravenclaw mixed with Slytherin sort, Isolt Sayre knew her stuff— Seraphina went on to be one of the most powerful women of her time and indeed, Ministry history.

But her time as President would not always be smooth, no, for she would be in power when Gellert Grindelwald would ride above, and attempt to take it from her. Infiltrating her very guarded home, the Ministry itself under the guise of her friend and confidant! 

Whilst Seraphina did what she could to keep the streets safe for all she could not see the Masterful Manipulation of the Dark Wizard, and whilst people cry failure I cry fair! Gellert Grindelwald did not reign terror for fifty years if he could not hide in plain sight. He was no snake looking stand out, he was a man of the shadows, and the shadows ensnared us all.

In the end though, justice prevailed! And Seraphina was able to keep her city and people safe. I hear those of you cry it was through murder, and my reader, I implore you to stop! She did what need be done! Credence Barebone was a danger to all of us. To you, to me, to our children. Though a victim himself he cared not for the innocent and he needed to be brought to his knees to keep the world safe.

Her job is not an easy one, and choices must be made. Seraphina did what was required, and for her people she did what she wished she should not have to!

She may have been harsh in her punishment of our young Mrs. Scamander, Tina may have proved useful in the future you say— but I say Seraphina saw a link weakness and mended it. After all, were it not for her critical choice, Tina would never have learned, never have grown. Seraphina was pivotal in our hero’s story! 

But something more lurks beneath, something juicy, gossip stirring, swoon-worthy. A tale of pining and sorrow. Yes, as I dug through the archives, files and interviews, I began to notice a story that continues to stir and it’s something I cannot ignore.

In 1926, Seraphina Picquery met our dear Magizoologist and it is said that sparks and Thunderbirds flew! 

Imagine if you will, a ravished city, a world torn apart. Seraphina could not hope to save those she loved, nor stop the war from beginning. She was broken, afraid, a woman alone, and still stood proud. But she had an ally, my dears, an admirer. Someone who had seen her work, her kindness. Someone who she did not let be slaughtered at the hand of one doing their duty no!

Newt Scamander stepped forward, case in hand and he offered Seraphina a life line, a choice, safety, security, obliviation! And most of all,  _ passion _ .

It is said that that day, in a warmly lit subway, golden wings of the Thunderbird above them, rain glinting in the sky— that Seraphina lost her heart to the wild boy we all adore. A word from an Auror who was there on the platform, and an interview from our ever helpful insider Abby, who witnessed the aftermath, all but confirms it.

JANE DOE: **_Fudgestick_** _me yeah I remember that mess. Hell, longest shift of my life that one. Almost killed by fuckinf Gellert Grindelwald himself! But I’ll tell you what you wanna know._

_ The Madam President couldn’t take her eyes off of him. Man, you shoulda seen it Skeets, I swore you’d think the sun shone out of his  _ **_ascending_ ** _. Some of the Aurors ain't ever seen her smile before and she’s there, looking him over, smiling three— maybe four times. I didn’t even know a “get out” could take like a  _ **_bleeping_ ** _ minute to go on. Think ol’ O’Nrien actually choked on air when she started kicking him out. When she said “now” I was half expecting her to drop to her knees right there. Or him to drop. Whicher did it first. It was kinda cute though, Scamander got all flustered, duckin’ his head all “yes Madam President” as if we don’t know that look. Seen the new aurors get that look on meetin’ her too. Only, it never went away with him. _

While Jane Doe gave us a more summarized version of events, it was Abby who came to me with all the details I really wanted to hear.

“So Abby, how would you describe the moment when Newt met the President?”

ABBY: _I wasn’t there for that, but jeez if I didn’t hear from the Aurors. Poor guy was swoonin’ right in Major Investigations when she took one good look at him. Half pulling out of Tina’s grip to look back, all wide eyed and open mouthed. Took only five minutes before they were taking bets on them being married or her pregnant by summer. Let me tell you. And the way he was lookin’ at her during the delegation apparently was something else. He was dragged to his knees by Mister Graves yet never even spared him a glance, just looking up at President Picquery like he’d seen a Veela or a siren. We had him in for a week after for “interrogations” which she oversaw personally. No one else allowed, the Aurors say it’s for safety whilst the Graves matter was sorted but… well. Let’s just say that, I don’t go into interrogations looking like that, and I don’t come out that red either._

“And of the subway? From what I hear, it was quite the moment between them.”

ABBY: _Was it ever! Her voice went all low and soft when she was thanking him for helping._ _ We owe you a great debt, Mr. Scamander . And then she’s dragging her eyes over him like he’s a treat and he’s leaning in, and she  smiles!  I nearly forgot Se— I mean, President Picquery, could smile like that. Kinda like a cat that got the cream, she knew she had him right where she wanted. Then she tells him to leg it and he drops his head and bats his lashes, all pretty, pushin’ his lip out like he can cute his way outta trouble.  Yes Madam President.  Whooh, now that was a day. _

“Could you tell us what happened when Newt left?”

ABBY: _Oh. It wasn’t that great, Madam Picquery got a little cold after, took three sugars in her coffee to even get a half word from her. We all thought she was heartbroken or something, people were betting on whether or not Newt left with Tina, we were all hopin’ for a no there. Course… now he and her are married so. Guess so. Let me say though, I do see the letters come sometimes, only ever signed with an S. Maybe they’re still friends._

Friends? Maybe so! Or perhaps Mr. Scamander is torn for his long lost love. Was his relationship with Miss Goldstein an elaborate ruse to protect Seraphina’s position? Does Credence hide with Tina under the guise of a family house? Was it all a one night mistake forced by propriety? Or are you both in on it together— Protecting each other whilst racing for the ones your hearts truly desire!?

All I know is that our Magizoologist is more than we ever dreamed. His influence on Seraphina Picquery was so great indeed that she went on, within two years, to place a protective order upon all known magical creatures in her domain. The first President to ever do so! A bold move, perhaps a last minute plea for his heart.

Newt Scamander, perhaps not a Monster but he was  _ a love rat _ , who left Seraphina Picquery heartbroken. 

**PERCIVAL GRAVES:**

Percival Graves, an esteemed Director of Magical Security. Powerful. Smart. Diligent. Capable. Though no one seems to know him, he was very much a key player in those 1926 events. In that, he wasn’t there at all.

No, the files on Percival Graves, my dear readers, are ones locked tight. I can tell you only what I know, whilst I battle desperately for more! 

He was taken, at some unspecified time and his face was used by Gellert Grindelwald to infiltrate the ministry. Though the man blended in well, using our charming, Irish laced lad to influence the easily mouldable Credence Barebone to his bidding— he did not count on one thing.

The memory of a little Artemis, or should we say, Newt. Yes, you remember our story from pages past? It comes to play here! In 1926, Gellert Grindelwald sat opposite Newt Scamander in interrogation and sentenced he and Tina Goldstein to a frightful, painful death by death potion. 

Though our hero was able to manage a daring, wild escape he noticed something others did not! For he remembered meeting Percival Graves in Ireland, a different time, a different world, but whatever intimacies of their relationship it was enough that sharp eyes could tell a man from an imposter!

In the subway, after protecting Seraphina Picquery with the deadly and beautiful Swooping Evil, Newt Scamander forced Gellert to his knees and tore the mask of an innocent man from him! His old lover it was not, and never could be.

It’s unspecified how Percival Graves was found again, and the part he played against Gellert Grindelwald. The man is unavailable for statement and by the day more of him seems to vanish, rewritten, safely protected by the very people we speak of! But what I know is this— 

Percival Graves is alive, saved by Newt Scamander, protected by him and Seraphina Picquery (perhaps protection is not all they offer) and may he be somewhere bright, warm, happy! Laughing at his freedom as Gellert Grindelwald falls, killed by his very predecessor to protect a lover of his own.

**CREDENCE BAREBONE:**   


And we come to the final player of this specific tale. It’s a name you’ve heard plenty by now, a boy, a monster, a victim, an aggressor. 

Credence Barebone was raised in a Salemers home— for those of you unaware of this, the Salemers are preachers of anti magic. Killers of us, haters of all that is, as they deem, unnatural. 

Heavily abused by his adoptive mother the boy knew he did not fit in, and reached for help desperately where there was none. He found it in the arms of Tina Goldstein, her kindness soothed the rage in him as she fought— seemingly selfless— in his name. But she was taken, and desperate to replace her Credence reached for another. One who bore the face of Percival Graves.

Credence was unavailable for comment on how his time with Gellert went, but we can imagine. Candle lit dinners, talk of world domination? Lust in equal terms for the death of innocent people? Perhaps! Or perhaps it was a gentle hand, a lost soul reaching for his own.

It is known that in his attack on New York Credence killed an uncountable amount of people. Most noticeably his sister, a senator and his abuser. Whilst I cannot shame him for his turning on Mary Lou I cannot sympathise with killing innocents, no, here we report fact! He we tell justice! And justice is that Credence Barebone killed an innocent Muggle girl with seemingly no remorse!

And still, his plight as a victim drew the ever mothering Tina to his side. Fighting to save him, fighting to see the good in him she followed his storm path to Paris, the files there remain under lock and key but rest assured, rest assured— I will not hesitate to tell all when the time comes.

**For now we add the pretty broken boy to our list of Scamander’s inner circle, and we move on to the climax of our tale!**

These unique individuals would have never come together the way they did had it not been for one man. One strangely alluring, law breaking, heart stealing magizoologist. A savior of beasts, a writer of books, a friend and an enemy to some. 

Together they were able to contain the threat to New York, and indeed the world. Together they moved to Paris, and with a joining of Albus Dumbledore, Leta Lestrange, Theseus Scamander and more we cannot hope to know yet! They became the protectors of us all. 

The Golden Trio stood proud for England, but the beasts stood tall for the world. 


	5. Finale

**FINALE:**

And now my knowledge is coming to an end. Newt Scamander lives in Dorset - he claims to own three kneazles, to have Married our hotdog loving Tina. But with the wiles of his youth I cannot hope but question what beasts lurk in their humble home. What dark tunnels lead to wonderful world. What hearts are in his hand today!

So, addressing my choice of title, do I think our charming Magizoologist is a monster beneath those freckles? No. But I do think he's a wild thing needing taming. And I can't wait to see how our tale ends. Join me in petitioning people! On the back of this book comes a form, write, sign, have your crup sign it too - let us force the Ministry to spill it’s secrets, let the tale of Gellert Grindelwald's down fall be public knowledge!

Let us finally know the truth, inside the case.

Will Newt run to his true heart across in America? Will Porpentina admit to her driving lust for a killer and Obscurus? Will Credence ever find peace, and his sister Justice? Will our society ever truly accept no-maj's? Will some of them ever get a good hairstyle?

I know not how to answer this, my dears. But I do know one thing. Take a page from Fantastic Beasts, live as free and spirited as they have. Let the beast in you claw to the surface and one day, you may have a book as full as this as well.

One day, we will all tame the beasts within ourselves!

**WRITERS NOTE, UPDATED ISSUE 2018, AFTER THE RELEASE OF FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM, AN AUDIOBOOK EDITION.**

Mr. Scamander claims to have publicly denounced breaking the ex-Madam President's heart. As an astute portrayer of fact I would leave you with this.

For a claim against it, you made no mention of other lovers, and only denied your reason for leaving. I will not claim knowledge I do not have, but Mr. Scamander, your next public statement should be more clear. You may have been ordered to take your case from New York in reprimand of your actions. But made no blunt statement of dismissal. 

Your giggle tells more than your words, Mr. Scamander. I bid you and your wife well, but see no facts in return.

 

My office is open to discuss details, should you wish to correct me. Until then, no public turn down of the claim he and Seraphina Picquery were romantically, sexually or otherwise involved has been given. And thus, all facts in this edition of my published work remain true, and unchallenged.


	6. Author Note Chapter

Hi guys so we're aware some don't read AN anymore, so we thought we'd add this here. This Fic is technically complete as of the events of the first movie, and hinting at the second.

When the new movie releases, we will update this Fic as if Rita is opening and discovering New Files in the ministry and continue with dumbass rumours, theories and over all Rita goodness.

We hope you've enjoyed it as of now, and please remember this Fic is a joke. It is meant to be wildly out of bounds and so on, that's the point, to add a little laughter!

Thank you for reading!

x ContainThisOrItWillGetGay and Pelele


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